


Inside the Birdcage

by UselessLilium (o0whitelily0o)



Series: Age Swap AU [2]
Category: Cardfight!! Vanguard
Genre: Abusive Parents, Age Swap, Gen, Self-Hatred, implied crushes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-12
Updated: 2019-03-12
Packaged: 2019-11-16 08:24:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18090845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/o0whitelily0o/pseuds/UselessLilium
Summary: With his big brother gone, Kazumi's left behind to fill the role of the next heir to the Onimaru family. He'd really much rather have his brother.





	Inside the Birdcage

When your big brother leaves, the family wastes no time trying to erase him. They clean out his room before you know it - before you even have a chance to see it for yourself. You’d always stayed away, knowing how busy he is, not wanting to be a nuisance. But seeing the bags collected and boxes packed just outside its door makes you realize you’ll never get to see it at all. Even if you go into the empty room now, it won’t be _his_ anymore.

That’s where you father finds you. With hardly a word, he takes you by the wrist to his room so you can have a private talk. He is, as always, very plain in what he tells you; you are not to talk about Kazuma any more. No one is. Kazuma’s nothing but an embarrassment now, he says, a failure who turned out to have no respect or loyalty for the people who have been taking care of him all this time.

Listening to him makes tears start to well up in your eyes. “He’s not-” you try to say, even knowing it’s a bad idea, “He’s not like that-”

“Do you really mean to take his side? _He’s_ the one who turned his back on this family.” The fumbling words dry up in your mouth at your father’s low, disgusted tone. “His ingratitude must have rubbed off on you. I should have known to keep the two of you separated from the start.” You hold yourself as tight and still as you can, afraid to so much as flinch. “Fine. I’ll just have to keep a closer eye on you, until you remember where _your_ loyalty ought to lie.”

You remind yourself not to cry. It doesn’t do any good. It just makes him even angrier. You look down, try to blink back the tears, and take a slow breath. “I’m sorry, Father,” you finally say, sounding at least somewhat steadier, “I didn’t mean to disrespect you.”

“And yet you did. Clearly I have much more to teach you about acceptable behavior,” he says, to which all you can do is nod. “I hope you understand, you’ll have no margin for error going forward. The entire family will be resting on your shoulders some day now.”

“...I know,” you say. What else can you do? He lectures you a while longer about what’s expected as the next head of the family, while you keep nodding quietly and manage to hold yourself together, until he finally dismisses you.

Despite everything, though, the only thing rattling in your head as you as you retreat back to your room is has nothing to do with him at all. It’s that this isn’t what you were trying to work towards. You never wanted to take your brother’s place, not even for a moment. Kazuma just- he always seemed so tired. And everyone was always saying bad things about him. You wanted... to be smart and strong enough to support him. To help him with anything. That’s all.

And now he’s gone.

As soon as you get into your room, you curl up on your futon, not bothering to turn on any of the lights. Kazuma didn’t tell you he was leaving. He didn’t say good-bye or anything. He didn’t even mention how hard of a time he was having. You had to overhear all of it from the adults. But... maybe he thought he couldn’t tell you any of that. After all, the one time he ever got upset at you, you acted like a baby and made him feel bad. Why would he ever think he could talk to you, let alone rely on you?

The tears start to well up again, but this time instead of holding them back, you just turn your face into your pillow to muffle them. You should have said something, you think now as the sobs start to hit. You should have apologized, asked him why he was angry. _Anything_ except let him leave and just sit around waiting for him to come back.

Now it’s too late. You don’t know where he is, and no one’s going to tell you anything. And if your father even suspects you’re trying to find out, he’ll... he’ll be so angry. You squeeze your pillow as tight as you can, and do your best not to make a sound. Right now, the only thing you can think to do is just not make your father any angrier.

 

* * *

 

You try to tell yourself things aren’t really that different without your brother. Sometimes you almost convince yourself. You’ve always been expected to work your hardest, after all, and your time has always been very carefully managed, and you’ve always been alone more often than not. But no matter what you do, you can’t shake how different it feels. How much harder it all is. It was easy to motivate yourself when you were working to be someone who could help your big brother. You have no idea how to make yourself care about living up to the expectations of the people who won’t even let you talk about him.

Not caring isn’t an option, though, and neither is failure. True to his word, your father watches everything you do with a sharp eye. Before, he’d mostly ignore you unless you had something to present to him, but now he’s started coming in to your room without warning. If you’re not studying, he’ll demand to know what you’re doing and question you whether it’s any more important than your future in this family, until you finally agree that it’s not. If you are, he’ll look over your shoulder at your work to look for flaws and criticize you sharply for carelessness if he finds any, remind you to sit up straight, to keep your handwriting pristine. Before long, you find yourself listening for his footsteps constantly, unable to relax no matter what time it is.

Your mother, at least, isn’t quite as intense. In fact, she’s become far happier than you can ever remember seeing her. She’s all smiles when you’re together, and often gives your shoulder or hand a squeeze while saying something like, “Isn’t it wonderful, Kazumi? Everything’s the way it’s supposed to be.”

She agrees with him though, in the end. When you tell her you wish he wouldn’t barge into your room as often, she says, “As long as you’re doing what you’re supposed to, you shouldn’t have anything to worry about.” When you mention wanting to join a club at school, she says, “We’ll pick something out for you, don’t worry,” and then a few days later you’re told to join a sports team. And you don’t have to say anything at all for her to feel like reminding you, “There’s no reason not to do even better, now that you don’t have any distractions.”

...You wonder, sometimes, if they can tell you still think about Kazuma. Of course you don’t talk about him, ever, to anyone, but maybe parents just know those kind of things. They do always seem to suspect you of _something_ , but asking would mean bringing him up themselves and they’d never do that.

You just... you can’t help it. How can you forget about him, when every day you realize more and more what a distraction you were to him? You hadn’t meant to be, really. One of the first things you ever understood about him was how busy he must be, and the more time you spent with him the more you saw how worn-out it made him. Even though you wanted to spend time with him, you still always tried to leave it up to him to decide whether he could.

But now that you’re in his position, you understand how naive that way of thinking was. You’d known he was busy and tired, but you couldn’t even imagine how much pressure he was under. No, even now, you’re sure he still had it worse. No one insults you or says you don’t belong here, after all. And despite all of that, he still... he still came to see you. He still made time for you, almost every day. He was always nice to you, and even learned the silly card game you asked him to play with you.

No wonder he finally snapped at you. You were so stupid, wasting his time like that without ever thinking what it might be costing him. Maybe he didn’t even really like you that much. Maybe he just felt bad for you, or thought you’d get him in trouble if he said no.

Whenever you start thinking that, you just feel like crying all over again. You wish you could do it all over. If you’d known what you do now, you’d have left him alone. You’d have found some way to support him from a distance instead, and never bothered him with anything. Everything was fine when you just stayed out of his way.

But no matter how much you regret or how badly it hurts, none of it matters now. Sooner or later, you have no choice but to silence your feelings and get back to work before your father comes in again. And maybe he’s happier, you try to tell yourself, now that he’s away from this place. You hope so.

 

* * *

 

There’s no one to play against anymore, but through elementary school and into middle school, you still hold onto your deck.  Even if you can’t shake your suspicion that you were the only one who really had fun playing Vanguard, it’s still proof. That your brother was here, and that you spent time with him. You won’t let anyone take that away from you.

That, and of course, your own attachment to Shiranui and his clan. When you think back on why you picked them, you can’t help but cringe at how silly and childish you were. All you did was daydream about fighting for the cool, tough dragon to make yourself feel special. But it’s become more than that. Even though it’s all make-believe, when you get so nervous about talking with your father you can hardly breathe, or find yourself having to listen silently while someone sneaks in a terrible comment about ‘that other boy’, Shiranui’s who you picture to calm yourself down. His strength and resolution grounds you.

You’re going to be the head of the family, like he’s the head of his clan. You need to be in control of yourself. To not show when anything scares or upsets you. It’s silly, and probably still pretty childish, you know that. But when you imagine his steady blue eyes watching you, his presence alongside you, encouraging you, it’s a little easier to keep yourself calm and poised.

The more important Shiranui feels to you, though, the more of a waste it seems to never actually fight with him. When you finally reached middle school, you couldn’t help but want to at least try and get into a club or group so you could play again. But your father’s attitude hadn’t changed at all. He maintains there’s no point in doing anything that won’t bring you prestige, and he just doesn’t consider Vanguard one of those things.

Of course, there’s no point in arguing. But after years of close surveillance, you’ve had to learn how to get around him. Whether it’s figuring out the spots in your room he never looks too closely at to hide things, or memorizing the sound of his footsteps to give yourself a chance at getting into position before he arrives. Sneaking around makes you feel a little guilty, but you’d have collapsed ages ago if you really did never do anything but what he tells you to. And, well... when you think of it as how a ninja would act, it’s sort of fun too.

So rather than argue, you think a better idea is to help him realize Vanguard has a much, much bigger following than he thinks. Especially when he finally starts to give you more space again in your second year. If you just approach him about it the right way, he might reconsider on his own.

The tournament scene seems like a good place to start building your point. The whole FICA and grade system clips your budding optimism, though. You can already hear him deriding the whole process as impractical nonsense, wasting so much time just to even qualify for tournaments. With growing anxiety, you try to look for some other option, maybe a local branch with a different approach. And that attempted research is what finally introduces you to Try3.

It starts with a few clips of their fights against Team Demise in an article about the United Sanctuary branch - apparently, their opponents were an incredibly high-profile team, making their victory a shocking upstart. It intrigues you enough that you look into recordings of the entire matches. Then you try to find out about any other fights that they’ve been involved in, and then you discover their current participation in the heavily publicized G Quest.

Every second you watch of those three just draws you in more and more. It’s not just that they’re strong, although there’s no question they are. It’s that they’re only your age, but they have so much passion and willpower. They’re fighting to make their futures, with their own hands. And the matches themselves are dazzling and have you on the edge of your seat every single time. Even watching in your own room, you just barely manage to hold back your cheers or gasps with each turn.

Before you know it, you’re following their progress through the entire tournament eagerly. You watch as Tokoha Anjou blooms into someone capable of defeating two members of Ren Suzugamori’s own team, as Shion Kiba overcomes the devastating loss of his family’s business and manages to rebuild himself, as Chrono Shindou sets every stage he walks onto ablaze with his overwhelming imagination and belief in his own potential.

They all shine so brightly, it almost hurts to watch them. But they also... make you reconsider what Vanguard is. What it could be to you. Not an escape like you were thinking, and have thought since it was just you and your brother, but an encouragement instead. Something to help you believe in your own possibilities.

It’s so hard to even think about that. To believe other futures are possible than the one you’ve been given. You wonder if that’s why Kazuma left, and if he was able to find another future for himself far away. You can’t... imagine following him. You don’t even know if he’d want you to - no, actually, you’re sure he wouldn’t. But maybe you can make some kind of change for yourself here, even if it’s smaller.

In your third year, when you hear from an interview that Shion Kiba’s planning to apply to Fukuhara High School, you start compiling reasons why you ought to do the same to present to your father. It’s a very high-end school, and several of your classmates have mentioned applying for it as well. There’s nothing strange about you being interested in it, as long as he doesn’t find out your actual reason. Choosing your high school because of a celebrity you admire would absolutely not be allowed, especially if that celebrity is Shion Kiba. Your father doesn’t talk about that family very often, but whenever he does, there’s no missing the scorn in his voice.

Honestly, even to you, the decisions feels a little foolish. But considering the alternative is just letting your father decide for you, you’d like to think it’s still a step up.

Despite all your preparation, it’s a genuine surprise when it actually winds up going well. “It’s a relief you actually thought about this on your own,” he said, when you finally broached the idea to him, “I’d have assumed I’d need to hold your hand through this decision too.” There’s a hard bite to his words, and the agreeable way he says them somehow just makes it worse. But you bow your head and thank him for his approval, and though he still insists you apply to the list of high schools he picked out, when you’re accepted to Fukuhara he lets you go without much complaint.

 

* * *

 

To your disappointment, you still don’t see very much of Kiba. You’re in different classes, and even now you don’t have much in the way of free time. The school’s Vanguard club has become much smaller here than it used to be, and when you tentatively broach the idea of joining to your father, he only asks if you chose this school just to play around. You drop it right away, and hate yourself for giving up that easily. You’d decided to try harder, to change things at least a little, but how do you know what’s safe to push for and what will only make him angry and bring back the careful watch you’ve still barely gotten out from under?

...You wonder how Kiba deals with this kind of pressure. Did he have to fight for permission to play as much as he does? If so, how did he succeed? What did he say to his parents? You’d really like to talk to him about it, but you don’t know how to approach him. Even if you figured out when and how, you’re sort of afraid it’ll be written all over your face that you joined the school because he did, and he’ll get creeped out.

Then, just about a month into the school year, you hear a rumor going around that the Vanguard club is looking for a third player so they can enter a tournament. Not just any tournament either - it’ll be professional-level, with no grade requirements like most. Anyone can join as long as they have enough skill. It’s something you could actually _do_.

Hearing that, it was like an answered prayer. You wanted to go straight there and offer to join, but you held yourself back. You needed to find a way to convince your father first. If you made a big deal about wanting to join their team and he said no, you’d be letting them down and maybe making it harder for them to find a third member in time.

So you do the same thing you did when you asked if you could attend Fukuhara. You carefully rehearse all the reasons your participation in this tournament would be an impressive accomplishment and benefit the family, until you feel confident enough to approach him about it. It doesn’t go quite as well as your decision to choose your own high school. He keeps asking how long the ‘game’ will take, if there’s really anything to gain for how much trouble it will be. You manage to keep your voice steady, though it’s tested harshly at times, and just keep trying to focus on your main point: this tournament is internationally recognized, and winning it will make your name known to virtually the entire Vanguard community. Many of your peers are players, even if casually, so they’ll find it impressive.

“Besides,” you finally say, “If I’m going to have a hobby, shouldn’t I be expected to excel at that too?”

That seems to make sense to him, thankfully. He still doesn’t agree right away, but when you come home from school the next day, he calls you to him room and tells you, “You can participate. I’ll even put your other activities on hold, so that you have time to practice with your team, when you find one. But since I’m going this far, you _will_ produce results. Understood, Kazumi?”

You nod, trying to conceal just how thrilled you are at the allowance. You barely even sleep that night, too consumed with going over in your head how you should approach the Vanguard club. What you should say when you offer to join their team, how you’ll convince them you’re good enough. Throughout the whole day at school, you’re quietly preparing yourself to finally talk to Kiba.

Only to find, when you finally make it to the club room, that they’ve found a third member already.

“I’m very sorry,” Kiba says, while the actual club president keeps fidgeting behind him, “We only just filled the position. I didn’t think there was anyone else interested.”

“No, no, don’t apologize,” you say, with a bit of a laugh, “It’s my own fault. I should have said something sooner.” You do your best not to look disappointed. You don’t want anyone to feel bad.

But Kiba looks at you thoughtfully, and you wonder if maybe he can tell anyway. After a few moments, he smiles a little. “I suppose you didn’t have any other team in mind, did you?”

“No.” You pause, then admit, “To be honest, I only found out recently that I would be able to participate. I haven’t been able to plan very far.”

“I see. Well, if you really want to enter, I do know a team still looking for a member. I can introduce you to the leader, see if he thinks it’d be a good fit.”

His offer is very considerate, though your heart sinks a little. You’d really hoped to get to know Kiba better through this event. But... that’s already not going to happen. And honestly, you dread the idea of going home to tell your father you haven’t made any progress finding a team yet. So you smile and say, “I’d appreciate that very much, thank you.”

“Alright, then I’ll arrange something for this weekend.” He smiles. “Don’t worry, he’s a member of my old team. I can vouch for his skills personally.”

You blink. A member of Shion Kiba’s old team? As in, Try3? As in... swallowing lightly, you ask, “You don’t happen to mean Chrono Shindou, do you?”

Kiba chuckles. “Ah, so you do know him. Then you know he’s a very talented player. You shouldn’t have any complaints with him.”

“Y-Yes. Um.” You fight valiantly to keep a straight face. Keep your voice steady. “And what about him? Are you sure he’d be alright with me?”

“I suppose I can’t guarantee it, but I think it’s worth asking. He’s really had some difficulty finding a third person.” Something a bit more serious flashes in Kiba’s expression, but before you can ask about it, he’s smiling again and asking you, “Does Saturday afternoon work? We can meet at Dragon Empire.”

“Alright. Yes. Certainly.” Is your face turning red? You can’t tell. You hope not, that’s the last thing you need. It’s just... you’d been prepared to join alongside Kiba, but the thought of... fighting with Chrono Shindou. You think about his fierce green eyes and the way he grins  during a match, and decide you need to retreat before you lose what’s left of your composure. “Then I’ll see you there. Thank you very much for the opportunity.”

You think there’s some amusement in his voice when he says, “Alright, Saturday is it then.”

The car is waiting for you when you finally leave school. You’re grateful for the time alone on the ride home, to try to sort out your nerves. You absolutely can’t make an embarrassment of yourself in front of Shindou, or make him uncomfortable. It’ll just be a friendly meeting, that’s all. You wonder if he’ll ask you to fight to prove your ability, and imagine all that passion and focus directed at you, and want to dissolve into the seat from something between embarrassment and excitement.

Well, if he does want a fight, you’ll have to come prepared. You start planning to research his usual strategies and deck, so you can decide on some countermeasures. It calms you down a little, to think about all of that. Hopefully you haven’t gotten too rusty. You have done some practicing on your own and tried to keep your deck up-to-date without losing the cards you’re fondest of, but there’s only so much you can do without an opponent. Now, if everything goes well, you’ll actually get to play again regularly for the first time in years. And it’ll be so widely shown, too...

You lean against the car window, look out at the passing scenery. Maybe... if he’s still playing too... Kazuma will even hear about it. It’s a distant thought, not even really a hope. You just can’t imagine he still thinks all that much about the annoying kid who made his life even more difficult. But... you’d like to at least think that if he does see you, and see you win, he might be a little proud of you anyway.


End file.
